* We start to see how our resentments allow the world and its people to dominate and harm us; how as a result, their wrong-doing can kill us even when it is only imagined.
“Start to” — do you begin to see a pattern here? 😉
I too have nearly made terrible mistakes while “driving angry” — or made terrible mistakes that I was lucky didn’t result in accidents! I still owe an ex amends because I used to “drive angry” in very concrete ways — resentfully agreeing to drive them somewhere, or getting in a fight in the car, and expressing my anger passive-aggressively by repeatedly slamming on the brakes instead of coming to a gentle stop, driving too fast, jerking the steering wheel, et cetera. Endangering everyone’s life, and also being a jerk by insisting that I wasn’t angry and wasn’t driving dangerously!
That ex was emotionally abusive, sexually anorexic (but only with me — you all know that pattern!) and had violated my sexual boundaries in the past before becoming sexually anorexic. (Which was quite a trick, given that I barely had any boundaries to begin with.) I had plenty of reason to be angry — and no coping mechanisms for it whatsoever. But I had plenty of anger issues from past abuse, and could just as easily have gotten triggered and angry over some imagined fault, or projected past behavior onto my partner when nothing was currently happening, or just spun out into resentment over a past harm that was recurring inside my head, and started “driving angry”. Same potentially lethal result, “even when it is [currently] only imagined.”
I also really like the reminder here that wrong-doing can be only imagined. Because I cannot tell you how many times I have resented and feared somebody who, eventually, I realized had no beef with me at all and was doing nothing wrong. This happens a lot to me at work — in fact, it just happened recently!
I started a temp job about three weeks ago. My supervisor and her boss (the head of the office) seemed to be very different people than the rest of us — very quiet and reserved, where the rest of the office is goofy and funny. They didn’t praise me for things I did right, or thank me effusively for temping for them as some places do. They hardly ever made eye contact with me — particularly the big boss. Even though I know perfectly well — being on the autistic spectrum myself — that there are people who just do not do eye contact, I became convinced that they did not like me. (Especially because they had a few corrections for me after the first day! How dare they!! The horror!!!) And then, of course, I resented them for disliking me when I had done nothing wrong!